Saturday, 6 November 2010

Windsor doesnt make any sense.

It wouldn't work in SIM City anyway.

Windsor consists of a huge council estate on one side, 12 million recruitment companies and 800 expensive bars in the middle and a fucking great big castle and a massive statue of a horse on the other side, only the horse statue thing is 1.5 miles away down a dead-straight path lined with thousands of trees. It wouldn't work.

Everything in Windsor, including most of it's inhabitants, is a parasite on the castle.
Windsor and the towns, villages and hamlets to the South are responsible for heaving the area's GDP through the roof.
The 'SL' postcode has the highest Gross Domestic Product per head in the UK. But that doesn't make any sense either.

The other 2 major towns in the 'SL' postcode are:
Maidenhead and Slough.

Maidenhead is a sub-urban commutor town that is becoming more like Maidenstan / Pakihead by the minute.
It's a horrific place. It's horrific because the only influx of new arrivals comes from its grand and illustrious neighbour; Slough.
Legend dictates that you are only allowed to pass through the gate of Maidenhead if you have successfully wrinsed Her Majestys Government for 7 consecutive child-care allowance payments, for each one of your 7 imaginary children, for the past 7 years.
To these type of people, Maidenhead is the place to live.

What I'm trying to say is; Slough is a fucking dive. It has one of the lowest GDPs per head of any town in the UK.
Look at Slough on Google Maps, you'll see a mass of grey.

Remember the first few times you played SIM city?
You didn't quite know what to do, so you made a '+' sign out of roads and boshed some combination of different coloured zones into each of the four corners, a rancid power station right in the middle and hoped for the best.
Get into 'SIM city' mode again for a minute; the top left corner of Slough is the 'Heavy Industrial zone', complete with its own double concrete power station cooling towers. Remember in SIM City you had to build shitloads of parks and trees to get rid of the pollution cloud that lingered over your industrial sections? The ground in Slough devours vegetation the second it's planted. It's a dive. They used to make Mars Bars here. I can't fucking stand them.

The bottom left corner is the 'Light Commercial zone'. You didn't have much control over what developed here in SIM City. In Slough it's developed into KFCs and Greggs. Greggs for the Polish, KFC for the Maidenstan-wannabes. KFC is of course halal, you just had to make sure Uncle Jamal didnt see you going in there for fear he would tell your Dad. The same Uncle Jamal who would always hiding in his taxi, waiting for you to leave before donning his hijab, darting in and ordering a Zinger Meal, Coke no ice and gravy side.

The top and bottom left half is the 'Heavy Residential Zone'.
More commonly known as the 'Pakis and Polish bit'.
Hordes of them.
Ever heard of Waterbears, the tiny insect thing that can survive temperatures close to 0·K, no oxygen for months and radition doses that would kill us instantly?
In comparison to the left hand side of Slough our friends the resiliant and hardy Waterbears are nothing.
There really is no need to click the 'Riot' button, there's plenty of those already.

The point I'm making is dont go to Slough.
And Windsor shouldn't exist.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a monster a UFO and 3 fires to contend with.

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